NARRATOR: It's five o'clock at the Local McDonald's. Ronald McDonald himself is currently entertaining the kids by doing the moonwalk. Suddenly, the door opens with a slight creak, and in walks Hot Carl with his empty stomach and his guitar...

So I stepped into the Local McDonald's
And I'm really hungry today
Y'see, I've been exercising for four hours
And I need some food really, really bad

I walked up to the counter
And ordered myself a burger
Then I sat down myself in a chair
And waited to be called

Then they handed me my burger
It smelled real good
I opened up my mouth
And then I heard it say
Several magic words
And I could not believe it!
Guess what he said!

BURGER: DON'T EAT ME, I'M A HAUNTED HAMBURGER!
I WANT TO LIVE A MEATY LIFE
AND I LOVE MY EXISTENCE, SIR
OH PLEASE DON'T SWALLOW ME!

And then I yelped (YAAAAAAAAAH...)
Cuz y'see, these things don't talk (Mmm-hmm!)
I dropped my burger on the table (kerplop!)
And as he screamed (YAAAAAAAH...)
He cursed upon hitting that table (#%@&%*!)

I swiveled around instantly
And I held up this magic mystery burger
I opened my mouth once more
And asked out to everyone at the Local McDonald's, "Who else got this burger?"

One man spoke up and said, "I ordered fat with my haunted hamburger."
Another guy said, "I ordered toast with my haunted hamburger."
Another dude said, "Like totally man, I ordered frisky with my haunted hamburger."
Some chick behind me, she exclaimed, "I ordered lonely with my haunted hamburger."
This old guy right near me exclaimed in equal tones, "I ordered crazy with my haunted hamburger."
This young kid right next to me said, "I ordered hole with my headburger."
And then some fat guy exclaimed, "I ordered haunted hamburger with my haunted hamburger, OM NOM NOM."
And even some skinny guy exclaimed that he had ordered suicide with his haunted hamburger!
And the waiter exclaimed, "Haunted hamburger goes great with crazy, drug-induced psychedelic journeys and ketchup, OH YES!"

NOT ORSON WELLES: THEY'RE EVEN BETTER RAW!

And that was the news
Everyone seems to have their own haunted hamburger
And they even speak; they talk for hours
Speaking in squishy rhyme
Their lips decaying with time
God, they smell weird
And yet everyone's burger is decaying
I guess it might be time for them to go
Yes, that's right - it might be time to release the meat...
RELEASE IT!
RELEASE THE MEAT!
RELEASE... THE... MEAT!!

Run free, free as the air
Run far, farther than the sea
Run, my meat buddy
Thank your haunted body
And head for the hills
Head for the hills!

SOME PREACHER GUY: Praise the lard and pass the sauce!